The Gassy Gnoll: ‘Twas the Night Before Krampus

We interrupt your usual Gassy Gnoll opinion piece today to celebrate the Merry Krampus blog carnival begun by Jonathan Jacobs at Nevermet Press.

(A word to the parents reading, this really isn’t for most kids (I read it to mine, but they’re twisted like I am), so share with caution if you choose to read this to your children. But I truly wish everybody a very Happy Holidays, whether it’s Christmas, Krampus, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Cthulhumas, or something else! And no, I don’t recommend feeding children to Christmas demons!)

‘Twas the Night Before Krampus

‘Twas the night before Krampus, when all through the house,
Not a critter was stirring, not even a louse;
The stockings were all filled with coal to the brim
and the holiday spirit was looking quite grim.

"Merry Krampas, a Steampunk Santa with Krampus", by Steven Austin

The trouble-makers tossed and they turned in their beds
as they pondered if Krampus might knock on their heads,
reminding them all that if they had but used their ears
it might not be the demon come swatting their rears.

No one truly sleeping, they all heard the clatter
and sprang from their beds to see what was the matter.
When they peered through the curtains to look down below
it wasn’t Kris Kringle they saw out in the snow
but a damned grinning demon staring them down
pointing up at the window like a twisted old clown.

He started climbing the walls in a flash with a bag in his teeth
and was attached to the ‘sill like some writhing wreath;
in a bound he just passed through the glass with some ease
as he tried to determine which child he should seize.

Old Kringle was still flying sleds in the air
picking good girls and boys to give dollies and bears,
and this little green demon was left to the bad kids
who did what they wanted despite what their parents forbid.

One kid at a time he did stuff in the sack
and he knew very well that they wouldn’t be back
for as Santa did travel back to the North Pole
old Krampus would be dining on kiddies in bowls
as a warning to other kids who chose to be bad
who would hear through the grapevine that Krampus was glad
to sneak in through the windows, the chimneys, and doors
to remove all the naughty kids and all the bores.

He hoped that one day he might get to retire
but all of the signs he had read seemed quite dire
as he hopped out the window with a few kids in his bag
he figured old Nicholas’ sleigh it could drag
until Christmas Eve turned into Christmas morning
and their trek would be over and all kids heeded the warning.

And away  they all flew to continue their flight
as Santa exclaimed Happy Christmas to all (except those Krampus would bite).

–BTF 21-DEC-2011

The artwork is “Merry Krampas, a Steampunk Santa with Krampus” by Steven Austin, who has been kind enough to release it under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License – so a huge thank you goes out to Steven for the awesome artwork and to Jonathan for organizing this whole thing.

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